Running in Thongs (Flip-Flops) - My Struggle with Depression

Living life with depression in my own words, "sucks arse". I do generally try to keep my language clean, but I have no other way to really describe the condition. Certainly not in my case at least. Today is the third day in a row that I have been away from work due to depression.

While I have always attempted to be as open as possible with my managers (given the impact the condition has on them), I have found it much more difficult to be open about things with my peers and people who work for me. Well today, I just chose to tell it how it was, and I honestly think that was the best thing to do. That does, however, mean I need to be this open with everyone so I am not putting others in a difficult situation of knowing something about me that is not widely known.

I liken my ongoing battle with depression akin to running in "thongs" (for non Aussies you would know them as flip-flops, a piece of footwear that does take some effort to move quickly in). I emphasize that this is an analogy that helps explain my situation, but depression is such a varied condition that it will be completely inadequate to describe the way it affects someone else.

Like running in thongs? How so?

Well I'm a pretty ambitious guy. Not ambitious in a desire for power or money, but absolutely ambitious with regards to a desire for rich and meaningful knowledge and life experience. As a result I've had a very rewarding professional, personal and spiritual life - I'm a respected manager and peer at work, a loved husband and father (for which I'm grateful - @SquiggleMum and the kids) and a committed Christian since I was a teenager.

I reckon with my level of ambition, I spend most of my waking hours mentally and emotionally running. Add inappropriate footwear (depression) into the mix, and well, I'm going to stumble; or get very tired feet. In certain situations, such as high-pressure or high-expectation life situations it is more like running in thongs on sand, or up an escalator. It's more demanding on the individual and also more likely to result in damage. I can point you in the direction of a couple of youtube videos that illustrate the point nicely, but also ruin my attempt at a serious blog post. What can I say, it's a gift.

My History

I was first officially diagnosed with depression about eight years ago, when my wife became increasingly concerned with my mental state and we began seeing an excellent psychologist. That day feels like a long time ago now, and from that time I have been medicated for the condition with varying levels of success. How long have I actually had depression? Did it start eight years ago? No, probably not. When I reflect back on my life I recall feeling desperately low prior to that time. I can certainly recall periods back when I was a teenager when it all just seemed too hard, but then I think it probably did for everyone.

I'm sure some will want to know whether I have ever been suicidal. I guess the short answer is: "I've never attempted to end my own life". Have I wished that I could just get off the merry-go-round or sit on the sideline for a little while - absolutely. Have I caused myself physical pain on occasion? Actually yes. Not for a long time, and it's horribly stupid but yes - at the time it seems like one of the only ways to bring everything into equilibrium. You are mentally and emotionally hurting, but physically you are fine. It just seems so wrong and hard to process, and thus you give yourself something easier to digest.

Medication and Treatment

When I was first diagnosed with depression, I felt certain that medication would be required and wasn't sure how this would affect my life. It was required and didn't really destroy my ability to interact and operate with other people in a fairly normal manner. Has it been effective at treating the condition? Yes and no, primarily in the the last 5-6 years it probably has been.

I did have to accept what the purpose of the medication was before it really started to do its job though. 5 years ago, I started going to see a psychiatrist in addition to a psychologist. At the time I though this was completely over the top. Best thing I ever did though. The thing I really appreciated was his straight-forwardness. Basically, I didn't fall into any of the nicely labelable and treatable forms of depression. Was I bipolar? I had some of the signs, but not to the extent for that particular label to apply. So what was a suitable treatment then? Before that time, I had tried about three different types of meds which I wouldn't consider very effective.

Solution? For my situation, take less potent medication (basically a mood stabilizer) and start taking some serious responsibility for my own mental condition. In my case, medication was only part of the solution and I had to take some responsibility for taking care of the "stinking thinking" that I get caught up in; such as, worrying about situations that I have no control over of, etc, etc. Easier said than done, definitely, but absolutely critical in managing a depressive illness. Something I'll probably be doing for the rest of my life.

Wrapping Up and my Sincere Thanks

There is a lot more that I could talk about with regards to this, but I would stress I am no expert. Just a guy who's been living with the condition for quite some time. The way we each as individuals deal with the situation will vary greatly, both as people who carry the condition and those who live, love and work with others who carry it. People struggling with depression aren't alien, and thankfully we live in an age where less of a stigma is attached to the disease. That still doesn't make it easy to talk about it. Certainly not for me, and there will be those of you reading this that will be thinking - man, I never knew that about Damon. Well I guess you do now - but try not to treat me any different, cut me slack or offer sympathy or condolences. In my situation, that's not something I desire or that is helpful. Just remember that I'm running this race called life in a pair of thongs and I occasionally get tired feet or trip up. One day, maybe I'll get myself a nice pair of running shoes or learn how to take it a little easier and walk a little; but I suspect not.

To those who have known about this and supported me in the past, you have my heartfelt thanks. I have been truly blessed with great people around me that have made my life up until this point very rewarding. I've been given opportunities to progress at work, with people being aware of my condition and willing to take some of that risk on based on their belief in me. My wife has been very patient and understanding over the years, and even my kids are starting to understand that Daddy needs some space now and then. My wider friends and family that know have acted in the way I have wanted them to, and haven't treated me any different post me "coming clean with them".

My thanks also go to people in the online world who are brave enough to be transparent with their situations. Without your bold contributions, it is unlikely I would have posted anything here today.

As I mentioned previously, more than happy to talk to anyone about my experience of depression and answer questions both here on the blog, via email or face-to-face where possible.